Tuesday Funnies

"We Americans got so tired of being thought of as dumb a**es by the rest of the world that we went to the polls last November and removed all doubt."

24 Bumper Stickers For Women

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. . . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS...?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

22. ANOTHER DOPELESS HOPE FIEND

23. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

24. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

Murphy's Law for eBay:

1. If you miscalculate shipping in your listing, your buyer will inevitably live on the other side of the country.

2. If you ship to US only, you will get questions for quotes to Canada.

3. That item you are glad to finally be rid of will only be sold to the woman/man who:

     Recently had surgery and can't get to the post office.

    Credit card expired

    Will be mailing a check when you ONLY take MO/Paypal

    Kids "accidentally" bid on your item, also should be noted "accidentally" bid on the same item and won      it cheaper same day.

4. You sell some odd-shaped item and every box you have is either 1/2" too small or a mile too huge. The perfect box for this item does not exist

5. When you spend 45 minutes creating the perfect listing, you'll click CONTINUE and ebay will have lost it all.  Of course you didn't save it anywhere.

6. You pay for priority to get your stuff, then the seller doesn't ship for it for two weeks anyway.

7. You do your research and wait until there are no other items like yours listed - then you list the item and, within a few hours, you discover that half a dozen other sellers have done the same thing.

8. You buy an item on ebay, then go to a store the next day and see it 60% cheaper.

9. The first time you don't wait for a check to clear...it will bounce.

10. Your search of completed listings for a certain widget you've been waiting to list turns up sky-high prices, so you list yours and find out 7 days later that you missed the "wave". Or, you sell your widget dirt cheap and the following week, everyone and their dog wants one and causes one of those "waves"

11. You list the item that one of your regulars begged you to find and then they tell you it is not quite the size they were thinking of.

12. If you allow an in-person pick up of a widget, they will inevitably arrive while you are in the shower, eating dinner, or using the potty.

13. Your winning bidder pays $20 plus for OVERNIGHT shipping because they need the item IMMEDIATELY, but they pay by Paypal eCheck, which takes four days to clear.

14. If you misspell a word in your listing, it will be the worst possible word to misspell, and change the meaning of your entire listing (never, ever, ever miss putting the "o" in count).

15. Flaws will only become visible in items after they have sold for twelve times what you expected.

16. The sound of the garbage men collecting your trash will coincide with a call from a seller asking you to check your shipping boxes carefully for a 1 carat diamond that fell out of her engagement ring.

17. Priority mail delivery does not follow the usual laws of the space-time continuum.

18. Your printer will only run out of ink in the middle of a mailing label.

19. The odds of your internet connection going down or a power outage happening are proportional to the number of great deals ending soon in your watch list.

20. At least once you'll see your boss is a winning bidder on one of your auctions. And it will always be an item whose profit is all in your handling fee.

21. Clothing on eBay is smaller than it appears.

22. Your cat will invariably choose to curl up for a nap in the one box that will wind up being used for the buyer who is most allergic to cats.

23. Never say "Hah! There's no way the Post Office can possibly break this widget with all that packing material.", as it tends to anger the gods of Chaos.

24. Your child will only take an interest in a toy after it's been put up for auction and gets a bid.

25. You will see stuff you bought at yard sales, couldn't sell on eBay and sold at your own yard sale be sold on eBay by another seller for embarassingly large sums of cash.

26. You spend countless hours preparing the perfect listing for that rare and sure-to-be-a-goldmine widget... and it's only up for a few hours before someone does a BIN.

27. Your Internet connection chooses to go down for 30 hours, about 15 hours before your earliest auctions end. And of course, it's on a weekend when there's no one at the help desk anyway.

28. You ignore your family and friends all weekend, stop cooking meals and answering the phone so you can finally get 50 listings up on Sunday night. Minutes after you've uploaded them, you get an eBay notification that tomorrow is 10 cent listing day.

29. you will get requests from non-winning bidders for items that you only have one copy of, while your second chance offer for the only item you have a duplicate of won't sell to the second high bidder

30. You step away from the breakable items you are packing to get more bubble wrap when you hear a sound that makes your heart sink.

31. you have auctions end one week before a postal rate change..it will take one week & a day for buyer's MO to reach you.

32. Your cat will know when it's "Ebay picture-taking time" and manage to somehow get a paw or the tip of a tail into at least one shot.

33. The day your last neg disappears for a year, a non-paying bidder decides to add color to your feedback.

34. (never, ever, ever miss putting the "o" in count).

35. You are browsing ebay listings and some naked guy will take a picture of a shiny object and use a gallery picture.

36. You spend endless emails trying to get a deadbeat bidder to pay up and then they finally pay your $235.00 invoice only for you to find that they used PayPal and have an unconfirmed address. Of course, you have in all your listings that you do not ship to unconfirmed addresses if payment is made with PayPal. So, you have to refund and start all over again trying to collect.

37. You find an item at a local store at a good price, list it and it sells like crazy. You then go out, but another dozen, and no one touches them.

38. You buy a breakable item, pay extra for good packing, it arrives in a shoe box wrapped in Kleenex and is in many pieces.

39. You change all listings to buy it now, they are selling quickly, buyers are paying ......and your internet goes down for the rest of the day.

40. 10 cent listing day will find you laying in bed, too sick to even move, never mind listing

41. Your beloved collectible widget sells high to someone very appreciative, they pay fast as lightening...you are packing it up ready to ship same day and CRACK..you broke it beyond repair. No way to replace or repair...boo hoo!

42. You find the widget that you have been searching months for, win it, pay for it...It gets lost in the mail.

43. You list your widget and watch it for days while the hit counter goes nowhere. Only after the widget finally get a bid you realize you made a mistake in the title, meaning it won't turn up in a common search but you can no longer revise it because of the bid.

44. The item that goes in a 4"x4"x4" cube package that barely has room for the address and return address is worth $100.00 and needs all of these: a Delivery Confirmation form, an insurance form (for over $50.00), a Fragile stamp, a first class stamp (notation) pasted on it while the item that is worth $2.00, has no insurance, DC or other labels for fragile or first class goes in a long padded mailer that could hold your will written on it.

45. When you mix up the shipping labels and send Sue X's item to Sue Y, and vice versa, they will be expensive Priority packages rather than light weight and cheap First Class Mail

46. You go out to put two small packages into your mailbox...only to find the carrier was here early today! ~ any other day...the !@#%#mail carrier doesn't deliver your mail till after 4pm

47. ONLY the high dollar item you sold you find out the Delv Confirmation sit & spins on "the USPS was notified to expect your packagage for shipment on xx-xx-xx" for over 15 days......before finally THANKFULLY being delivered.

48. The bidder on a widget you've been hoping would finally sell, becomes a NPB. (non paying bidder).

49. Worse still, the bidder on a widget you finally got sold... sells to a scammer who tries the Nigerian overpayment scam or Ukranian stolen credit card scam on you.

50. As a seller, you list lots of items, and the few that sell, only sell for the starting bid. But as a buyer, the ONE item that you have been looking for and finally found on eBay after months (or years) of searching for it, gets bidded up to some ridiculous price!

Funny Warnings:

 

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

(And that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

(Really?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

(Are you sure??? Let's experiment!)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

(But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction incidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

(One would hope!)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

(But no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

(Have a lobotomy)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

(What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

At the Costco Eatery, there was a sign that said: Employes MUST Wash Hands

(One would hope)

TEXAS Stuff:

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas;

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas;

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas;

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas;

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas;

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas;

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas;

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas;

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas;

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas;

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas or are a Texan.

 

Real Woman Cooking Tips:

 

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

Real Woman - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

Real Woman - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Woman - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Woman - Leftover wine??

Teen Age Daughters:

Congratulations!   You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:   To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge

your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.  Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you

must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them.  These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.